That's the term that my therapist used on Monday during our session. It's not something I ever put any thought to. I know I'm self-conscious and I'm not happy with my body, but is it that bad?? When I think of self hate I think of self-harm, something we spoke a lot about during Crisis Intervention training. Are the things I'm doing to myself, not eating right, no getting enough exercise, remaining detached from my family a form of self-harm?
Noel (therapist) said that the reason that I don't like anyone to be near me physically and why I pull myself back mentally from my family is because I don't like the person I've become. I never thought depression was something that would affect me, at least without me being aware of it. Part of me hopes there will be a miracle pill I can take and all my issues with go away, but I know that's not realistic... What I'm going through now doesn't feel like what I thought depression would be feel like. But I suppose there are many different symptoms.
I've been assigned homework of sorts. Each night I must make two goals for the following day to complete. Something small and manageable and then physically check each goal off as I complete them. This is supposed to make me feel as though I accomplished something and I should be proud of myself. Will this even work, it seems so silly to me? Posting this is one of those goals today actually and when I am done I will put a little check next to it on my iPhone to do list thingy. Apparently the expectations I set for myself are so unreachable that I've begun to think I shouldn't even try... Why is this something I've never known about myself? Why am I only discovering this now, after all these years? Have I been depressed that long? Am I like this because my mother died by suicide?
I guess these are all questions I will have to figure out on my own with Noel's help, and maybe even some drugs. Who knows. I'm off now to make a check mark and feel proud...
