Self Hate?



That's the term that my therapist used on Monday during our session.  It's not something I ever put any thought to.  I know I'm self-conscious and I'm not happy with my body, but is it that bad??  When I think of self hate I think of self-harm, something we spoke a lot about during Crisis Intervention training.  Are the things I'm doing to myself, not eating right, no getting enough exercise, remaining detached from my family a form of self-harm? 

Noel (therapist) said that the reason that I don't like anyone to be near me physically and why I pull myself back mentally from my family is because I don't like the person I've become.  I never thought depression was something that would affect me, at least without me being aware of it.  Part of me hopes there will be a miracle pill I can take and all my issues with go away, but I know that's not realistic...  What I'm going through now doesn't feel like what I thought depression would be feel like.  But I suppose there are many different symptoms.

I've been assigned homework of sorts.  Each night I must make two goals for the following day to complete.  Something small and manageable and then physically check each goal off as I complete them.  This is supposed to make me feel as though I accomplished something and I should be proud of myself.  Will this even work, it seems so silly to me?  Posting this is one of those goals today actually and when I am done I will put a little check next to it on my iPhone to do list thingy.  Apparently the expectations I set for myself are so unreachable that I've begun to think I shouldn't even try...  Why is this something I've never known about myself? Why am I only discovering this now, after all these years?  Have I been depressed that long? Am I like this because my mother died by suicide?

I guess these are all questions I will have to figure out on my own with Noel's help, and maybe even some drugs.  Who knows.  I'm off now to make a check mark and feel proud...